What a year!!!????

So this year is coming to an end,  and for most regrets are what outline their year.  For me its the complete opposite.  Don’t get me wrong there were decisions made that I really wish i could’ve done differently,  but as i call them “The could’ve should’ve, would’ves”  I know we all wish there is something that can be done to change any of that, but the reality is there isn’t.  I am truly blessed to make it through this year a different person. I’ve learned so much about who I am and truly how strong of a person I am capable of being.  Who knows what the new year has in store for any of us?  What i do know,  is that I am going to do everything in my power to definitely make this the best and most productive year iv’e ever had.  My sobriety is definitely gonna take a main focus coming into the new year,  cause how can i ever plan to achieve greatness if i am polluting my body and mind, and slowly killing myself.  My greatest achievement for this year so far is that I am able to end this year sober, and was able to work on myself as well as my spirituality. 

Was I able to maintain my sobriety through out the year….. Unfortunately not,  there were relapses,  breakdowns,  and rock bottoms but going through all that truly showed me what I am capable of, and if i can handle that there is nothing I cant do. To anyone ending the year with uncertainties or wishing you were in a better place, just remember it can always be worst.  Life is a battle,  every day is a battle.  Waking up, going to work, dealing with people, ect.  What it ultimately comes down to is how much do we want to live our life the way we want to,  or how much do we want our life to live us and dictate what we do.   If I can pass on one thing that will stick and maybe help anyone who is loss and feeling like there is no chance for redemption.  Remember  until the day you die there is always chance for redemption,  and with god on our side there is nothing we cannot do.  Happy New Year to everyone and lets make 2019 our year

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What’s gone wrong….. Feeling hopeless

As I lay down I think back to every moment good and bad and try and figure out where we became strangers . Damage has been done on both ends and it feels as if though there is no hope. As the saying goes all good things must come to an end, and I can’t help but feel that this is our ending. I will cherish the memories and remember all the good times. The spark that once shone so bright is now but a dim light barely left. All I can do is really think What s next and best for me, and how can I make life mean something once more

Rebirth

As I sit here contemplating life and everything that has happened, a part of me knows the strides I have made are definitely a push in the right direction. Still there is still so much work to be done. Many people think that wealth, status, school makes u a success. Life is not all about that though. Yes those things make life easier and those accomplishments are definitely something to be proud of. We all forget that all that is materialistic and from one day to the next it can literally all be taken away. I’m not perfect and every day is a battle. Fighting those inner demons, making sure that our insides match our outsides. I hope that any one who reads this is doing well, and if you are not nows the time to figure what is the crutch that keeps holding u back. I don’t know if life will ever really get easy, but I know that it can be liveable. To my family and friends, please know that I am doing everything in my power to make the right choices to make not only my self and u, but also the Lord proud

……………?………………

It’s weird for me when I really don’t know what to say. Lol. My life I’ve always been able to give advice, and sometimes I even shock my self with the things come out of my mouth. Well I’m gonna express how I’m feeling. Things aren’t as I’d hope they would be at this time. But at the same time, I’ve come to try and enjoy the little accomplishments that are stepping stones to a potentially optimistic future. It’s funny thinking back at the earlier years and wishing I had the mentality I have now, then. But the only way to be wise is to have had lived it, In order to learn from it. I don’t know what the future has in store for me or i for it. All I know is I am thankful for all that has been given and the opportunities to still continue and dream on. At the end I may just be another ordinary person, with a strugglesome life but at least I would have been someone who lived.

A moment of religious quotes and beliefs

So I’m not one to be religious or even quite scripture, but recently I started going to church and it’s got me feeling a different way. I was reading the bible and found a few passages uplifting and wanted to share to my readers and followers. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,but fools despise wisdom and discipline. My son, if sinners entice you, do not give into them. My son, do not go along with then, do not set good on their paths; for their feet rush into sin. How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge.

“If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one have need when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you. Buy whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm. To all who read this and find comfort, I am glad to help and for all others who don’t read that is fine. Again blog has always been just a way for me to find a way to release the many thoughts in my head and allow others to find that same release. Have a great rest of the weekend and hope all are given the comfort needed to make it through another beautiful day.

New beginnings

So it’s been about a week since I’ve uprooted my entire life, and so far things are starting to look up. 1st and most important is the sobriety. It’s been over 10 days since using and I’m a so proud. At the same time I have found a new job, and of all goes well Monday should be my start date. I’m still nervous and scared that things will fall through, but I’m trying to stay optimistic. Also building up my faith and as everyone tells me, putting my faith on the Lord almighty. I know he has a plan for me, and I’m hoping that this upcoming job opportunity is all part of it. I really don’t know what’s gonna happen next, all i know is things are looking up and I’m trusting that whatever is meant to be will be. I am happy that this move has brought out the better in me, and I will Try and continue to be the better version of me I can be.

Missing a piece of yourself

So today someone very close and dear to me has departed from this world and I really don’t know how to deal.  Should I be happy because they no longer have to suffer.  Not only with whatever was ailing them,  but with this world…..Society.   sometimes its as if we are the ones who are being punished,  by having to live day after day.  Struggling to make ends meet.  Struggling and fighting our addictions and urges.  Having to watch our backs for who knows what natural disaster is ready to wipe somebody, somewhere completely out of existence.  As i’ve said many times life is not called life because its easy.  Its called life because in order to be,  we need to deal and fight, and strive, and sometimes those wants hurt others.  But that’s just part of it.  Who wants it more?  we all want it m,ore right.  But are we all willing to go that extent as others.  And if we are not.,…. What does that say about us.  as the saying goes “only the strong survive and the weak shall perish”  I mean I do wanna be strong and survive,  but having to make others  suffer at my hands…  I don’t know if Im capable of that.

The point in all this was feeling bad,  about not feeling bad that they were departed.  Don’t get me wrong,  I am screaming and hurting and dying inside because i miss and wish for just one more day.  But I do know that at least they are in peace and no longer have to deal with the dailys of life and whatever it has in store.  The unfortunate thing with life, is that there is death and as many may try to avoid, and out last it, its inevitable.  we start dying pretty much from the day we are born.  Some last much much longer than others,  when some don’t even get the chance to see the light of day.  I never really thought how death this close to me would make me feel.  But it has definitely made me feel,  and even think about life as a whole.  Ive always known that I’m a survivor and a fighter,  not to say that those who have left are not.  Again its the whole unfairness of life.  Some really do live to fight another day.  When others don’t even get that chance. All I can say, that no matter how hard life may be,  I am definitely at peace that those who have suffered are able to RIP,  but I will continue to push through.  And when its my time I hope that I am ready for my peace whenever that may be.  For now…… World. What you gonna throw at us next, bring it on.

Change

It’s crazy how things change, nothing now a days is constant. And It seems like the more we try and keep things the same, the more they do not. Now no one is saying that change isn’t good. Think of evolution….. change is us evolving. The point in it all is how we take the change and what we do with it. In ready for these changes. I’m like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. I am ready to fly. How many of you are ready?

That’s what’s up 😀

So today was not a stellar day. Work was rough and people were just not making it any easier. Finally said fuck it and got the he’ll out of there. So now off to make a vital decision that can literally change everything, and it feels just like every other time, when I’m.So close, I’m still so far away. I’m getting emotional because I don’t have much but whatever I have I offer with. no questions asked. And the time comes.when I need something , and the person that came through for me was a close friend who I love and cherish. Not even my own family. But it is what it is. Just to my friend u will truly never understand how such this means to me…..

ADDICTION!!!

It feels like everywhere I go, there it is. Looking me in the face. Cravings are killing me. The feeling of pure bliss, so close yet so far away. Its sad because I know if I give up, not only am I giving up on my sobriety. I’m giving in to the devil. Scared because as strong as I am, This is my biggest weakness, and the one and only thing that can bring me to my knees. Just thinking about it makes my hairs stand up. I don’t know if I will ever be free, and honestly don’t think I will. All I can say is that I will continue to fight and remind myself that everyday I can remain clean is definitely something to celebrate